Ode to my mama / Odi mojoj mami

My brother rang an hour ago. My mother is dying right now in Zagreb.

I am in London, so I want to record my feelings in this moment.

Janko

We had come together on a Saturday in wintery London to photograph a new series on intimate but not relational male and female friendships and the barriers men keep to protect their emotional selves. This was an early session to explore intimacy and connection.

In the moment we started Janko said that he had something to let go. He started too slowly and softly cry. I asked him what is the matter, he said, I will tell you soon.

Even though the series was on intimacy & connection, I felt so uncomfortable photographing him because I could feel his pain. I didn’t know what it was about. All I wanted to do was hug him. So I stopped and said let’s sit down. Your feelings are more important than any series, we can shoot any time.

Then he told me… an hour before he arrived, his brother rang from Zagreb and said it is happening, she is dying today. His mum had been sick for a while, so this was not new news. He said he had processed it already. Like men do, he was matter of fact about it.

He said he was here now and he wanted to record the moment. For his mother.

He stood up brave and we went back taking pictures. Both of us silent, I just let him do what he needed. There is no wailing, there are just single tears. Slowly and quietly falling down his face.

This moment reflects on loss and grief in real time. From when the armour is let down and put back up again.

This is the most painful and lonely of those images.

I just hope I did the moment justice.

His mama died peacefully the next morning.